and I’m not just speaking from afar but from direct experience of being a child rape survivor who had to watch 7-year-old to 13-year-old friends raped literally in front of me, and raped by my own biological father, a beyond Level 3 predator, who left a trail of victims across the South since he was a teen himself.
vicious cycle of child abuse (physical, sexual and mental):
age 3-17: constant fear and sadness, childhood lost. normal memories overshadowed by painful memories and loss of trust
age 18-28: covering up the pain – alcohol, drugs, destructive behavior, co-dependent, YOLO-may not be alive tomorrow crowd, future seems like it’s ages away or not something you’ll see, or hopefully counseling to cope
age 28-40: alienation, expecting and wasting time waiting for some sort of “justice” or righting of wrong against you, regrets, dysfunctional relationships, isolation, financial instability from lack of consistent work or bouncing around from one chaos to another trying to find stability or trying to avoid dealing with core issue, time wasted. more counseling and probably medication at this point.
age 40-60:
1. health problems begin from not taking care of self from 17-40. health problems begin slow descent towards death.
2. death – natural causes (from stress, poor health), suicide or murder (because of destructive persons around)age 60-80s: limited mobility, limited options, day to day
age 80+: unknown
cycle of abuse can end at any stage. first step is admitting not responsible for f’d up things ADULTS did to you as a child. you are NOT what they did to you. get help and support. stop worrying about people who won’t care about you and what they think of you, because duuh they don’t care and it’s a waste of time. there are many support options including support groups and 12-step programs including for survivors of child abuse. make amends with persons you’ve harmed along the way, persons you’ve harmed because you thought abuse was normal behavior. sometimes these persons will be your biggest supporters
life is short. the only control you have over your past is learning from the mistakes. where you have the most control: your future and what you want it to be and getting there, which can’t be done alone. support and the right type of support is needed and reaching out to right persons is a start. if you reach out and person is distant, in denial, dysfunctional or simply “cannot deal with this because a reality show is on or it conflicts with who they’re trying to present themselves to others as right now”, try someone else. think about the persons that were always there for you, the person you rarely see but consistently they’re always concerned for you, tell you they think about you and even reach out to you just to talk to let you know they’re there. there’s a reason each person enters your life, good or bad.
what helped me, and I wish I had taken a couple of others with me as maybe they’d still be alive now, Survivors of Incest Anonymous in Santa Cruz, California. how I got there was from a series of strange encounters of one person after another (good and bad), and a Santa Clara County Sheriff’s officer, a saint who didn’t ignore me sitting and crying so hard with my head held down that the floor became a mini-puddle, but stopped to see if I was physically in need of help. he couldn’t help with the internal agony, but immediately requested someone (a complete stranger and doctor in the right place at the right time) who listened as I discussed the hell I went through for the first time in detail, then referred me immediately to SIA. I don’t remember their names to thank them, but I remember their kind faces, and the strange series of incidents that led to that valuable life-saving information.
now… going to first meeting was also a huge effort, but I made it there with someone whom I’m ironically no longer friends with but their purpose was served.
what I remember most about meetings: sharing with persons who had zero recollection of abuse but know something happened to them because partially blocked memories, while I remembered everything but kept it all inside.
now, I use my voice, and boy do I! because I’ll be dayumed if I survived pure hell to remain a silent lemming while anyone is in need or preyed upon by others, especially fake christians who hide behind churches while doing MOST harm to others.
what’s most funny now: persons, including online trolls, who attempt to scare or frighten/silence you away and think I’ve got something to lose by speaking out, including against them! just ask white collar frauds how attempting to silence me worked out for them?!!
