Falwell Marriage – From Original the Wired Press

From Original The Wired Press, which we happened to find a copy of via the Wayback Machine.

Falwell Marriage

the Wired Press > Archives
Wednesday, February 18, 2004

In a change of heart, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson get married in San Francisco

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a move that has shocked the entire God-fearing nation today, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson decided to tie the knot in a short, but very sweet, same-sex marriage ceremony at San Francisco City Hall. The ceremony was performed by Mayor Gavin Newsom, minutes after he was deputized. Witnesses say many tears were shed, but these were tears of happiness as love and respect seemed to exude from the happy grooms.

The couple, who decided they would use Mr. Robertson’s last name, had been thinking of pursuing this for some time, but since current laws forbade such a thing, their love had to be put on hold. After witnessing history in the making this weekend, they decide to make their bond more permanent and booked a flight to the Bay Area.

Mr. Falwell took the time to apologize for the insensitivity he has shown towards gays in the past, which includes blaming gays and lesbians for the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

“I’ve said and done many things in the past that have hurt many. I once believed that gay unions were an aberration to the sanctity of marriage. But gazing into those baby blues of Pat’s filled my heart with warmth and gave me tingles all over my body. These feelings gave me the strength to I admit I was wrong.”

The couple decided to rush to San Francisco, as the courts were supposed to make a ruling on the matter that day. The ceremony will be broadcast this Friday on the 700 Club with special guest Martha Stewart, who will show the two lovebirds how to make lovely Thank You cards out of prison cigarette cartons, toilet paper and a dash of love.

Michael Damen, a faithful fan of the 700 Club had this to say, “I’m so confused… so very confused.” Mr. Damen then proceeded to bang his head into his 700 Club Edition Bible screaming, “Why God” over and over again.

The Robertsons have announced honeymoon plans for Puerto Vallarta and giggled when the question of consummating their marriage came up.

“We won’t force anything. We’ll just let it happen,” said Jerry, as he gazed into Pat’s eyes, while playfully patting him on the rear.

A judge in the case agreed to order the city to either “cease and desist” issuing the disputed licenses or to come back to court on March 29 and explain why they haven’t, a ruling that attorneys for both sides claimed as a victory.

No matter who the ruling was a favor of, there were at least two winners today. Mr. and Mr. Pat Robertson will forever hold this day as the day that two became one.

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